Living in the extremes

I had forgotten that this blog even existed. When I was doing research about another kind of blog, and I set up something using my gmail account, I found it. I started this a year ago and a lot had happened since then. I did end up breaking up with my partner, I moved out, and life got really dark. It is getting better - slowly. Spring is coming and the snow beginning to melt - slowly. Maybe I will take up this blog again, maybe not. We will see.

To make things just a bit worse. I am living in a country by myself, with my kids, my family is a long, long way away in the US… so if I screw up things with him - beyond loving him, which I do - I will also be alone here. Trying to be ok, alone.

not good, eh?

When I was at my worst with the bipolar swings (mainly when manic) I made some pretty heft money mistakes that I am paying for now (literally). And my partner has been kept in the dark about most of them because I was too ashamed to talk about them. But now my snowball has gotten so big that I may have to tell him - and quite honestly, he may have had enough when I do. It will probably break us up. And I really don’t want that. Now that my head is screwed on a little better I am rediscovering how amazing he is. I think he would get that I made the mistakes when I was not ok, but that does not let me escape the consequences. I think it is a big sign that I want to share this with him now (I mean telling him, not share the burden). I never wanted to tell him before. I think it is a big important sign that my head is getting back in the right game… but I am terrified of the consequences. He loves me, that I know. But how much can someone, even someone who loves you, take…

Did you ever have to admit something big and lurking to someone you love?

Why does the reply thing not work again?Blehc.  

When I was in highschool I would use food to control my feelings… Now I run. Today I ran 22 km. It feels healthier but it is still a way to control my feelings. Do you have something like this?

I felt pretty normal today for the first time since being put on medicine. 

And it scares me….

I have such a headache. A really eye-popping one. I guess it is not too surprising considering all the drugs I am using to knock my brain into shape, but still. Ouch. It could also be stress. I need to fix something big, this month, and I am not totally sure how to go about it. Well, I am sure, but I need a friends’ help. Or I can rent what seems to be a very cute house about 60 km north of me. It could be a wonderful retreat (provided I had a car…)

btw, thank you to those who have answered questions. The beginning of this is scary and lonely. Your words help. Thank you.

But for now, I am just trying to figure all this out - at least the best I can. I am only two months diagnosed and they are still trying out different meds on me. And to be honest, I am beginning to really feel that I was better off without the meds. This morning I had a two or three hour period of mania which was such a relief from this crushing, exhausting, swinging of moods. Does it every get better? Do you really ever stabilize - or is that just a myth to keep you on your meds? 

And as maybe silly as it seems, I am so afraid of gaining weight on my little cocktail of medication. I already don’t recognize my mind, I would at least like to recognize my body. Right now I am running a lot, both to get me out of the house, but also to counter weight gain. I wonder if it will actually help?